I just pynch a tree in the face
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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