Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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