Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
