y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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