I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
