I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
