i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
