Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
