the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
