My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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