i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
