What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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