I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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