Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
