Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
