Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
