If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
