why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
