I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
