I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
