operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Randomize
