I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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