I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
