On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
