Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
