We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
