you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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