i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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