i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
