We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
