I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
