i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
