I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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