dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.