why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I will pee on everything he values.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
