Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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