You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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