At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
