she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
