You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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