Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
accomplished twins. life is a go
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
