How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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