nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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