Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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