You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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