i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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