I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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