1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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