I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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