i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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