If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
