If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
