woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
