I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
