I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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