too bad you live with your parents still
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
