Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
