Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
