I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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