so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
